Don't Be Afraid to Build It Yourself

First, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge a personal first. After completing six novels, I was finally contacted by an agent who wanted to read my full manuscript. Whether it was for personal reasons, because the story and characters caught her attention, or some other unknown reason, she was interested in reading more. What makes this more exciting is that she was the first agent I chose to contact in this latest writing journey. I emailed her my query letter and the first 50 pages of my book, and less than twenty-four hours later, she requested the rest. After that, I played the waiting game. Literary agents get hundreds to thousands of query letters a month. On top of that, they have clients they already represent, they're reading full manuscripts when they can, and a great many other things that I'm no doubt forgetting to mention. So it goes without saying, when they say to expect a reply 6-8 weeks later, maybe more, that's how long I waited. Not to mention, an agent only takes on 3-10 new clients a year. So to get a manuscript request is huge.

I learned something about myself and about this process during those two months of waiting. I don't like waiting, and I don't like having my fate and my worth in someone else's hands. I was excited, of course, at the prospect that I might get picked up traditionally. I didn't know what that would be like. Inevitably, I wouldn't have to do as much of the leg work myself. I would have help marketing and producing my books. I would have access to traditional publication, which could land my books in a Target near you! That was exciting!

But I wasn't just thinking about the good stuff, I had plenty of extra time to think about what might not be so great about getting formal representation as well. How much control would I have over cover design? Would I have to change my story to meet the demands of a target market? I wrote this book for me, not for the industry itself, would my story need to be modified to feed the current media narrative? Would my story and my characters be able to stay true to themselves to make it in a traditional publishing world? It didn't take long before my anxiety over the wait had just as much to do with getting picked up as it did about not getting picked up.

What made things worse was that I couldn't read through my book while I waited. That was torture. I couldn't work on any other projects while I waited. Heck, I couldn't even READ a book while I waited. It was all a reminder that I was waiting to know if my book would get picked up. And something about that wait acted as a dark cloud. It felt like I had pumped the breaks on my creativity and my literary drive. Would I ever get it back?! Had I unknowingly killed my love for story telling as I waited for outside approval?

I'm a woman of action, and I couldn't just sit around playing Tetris on my phone all day. So, I got to work creating content and building my online presence instead. I started making lists of what to do if I ended up self-publishing again. I worked on cover design ideas and networking. I used the time to make sure that I had a plan in the event that I had to land on my own two feet, and by the end of that wait I was genuinely excited by the foundation I had built for myself.

After a little over two months of waiting, the agent finally got back to me and said that, unfortunately, she wouldn't be picking up my novel. It's funny, before even reading the email, I knew to scan for that looming word "unfortunately." It's a word many authors have learned to loath. But, because of all of the work I had put into building up my own plan, the word no longer carried the power that it once had. I was disappointed of course. I was bummed, and I fully gave myself permission to spend the day intermittently crying like a loser. But what I realized as I turned the release valve on my emotions was that I was upset for an entirely different reason than I had anticipated I would be.

I had just completed my sixth novel--technically my seventh--and I had written it in the matter of a few months. I had enjoyed the experience. No, I had been reborn from the experience, and I had somehow convinced myself that I still needed someone from the literary industry to validate all of that for me. As if what I had gained wasn't real unless someone else told me it was. Yes, I could absolutely get back out there and query more. I could spend two years querying agents and modifying my story until I didn't even recognize it anymore, all so that I can finally get picked up by an agent. I fully believe myself capable of strapping that on and getting it done. But that's not the only path. I don't have to choose the approval of someone else. I can be all the approval I need. I wrote this story, after all, for myself and no one else. It's a book I wrote to cope with and heal from the unexpected passing of my mother. There is no label of approval that could make that more valuable.

I've decided that I want to use my own writing journey as more than just a way to create and market my novels, I want to create a platform where I can help inspire others. There are a lot of success stories out there, but not enough light gets cast on those who went against the grain and did it their own way. I'm not afraid to trail blaze. I'm not afraid to fall, to fail, and to recalibrate. I'm not afraid of people who doubt me or choose not to see me unless someone of status and importance in the industry does. I'm not here for those people. First and foremost, I'm here to make my own dreams a reality. And after that, I'm here to show my fellow authors that you are capable and the power to succeed and thrive is in your own hands. Fall down 99 times, get up 100.

I'm not afraid to get to work on this alone. And, in truth, I'm not alone. I have some amazing family members and friends who are here to support me in this journey. People who have already read and fallen in love with this story. Now I don't need to wait, I can take my novel and my fate into my own hands, and I can't wait to share it with all of you!